It was there in black and white this was the weight I had to stay above and there was no negotiation.īecause I have stayed within my weight boundary, I’ve spent nine years free of hospital. Anorexia pushes boundaries, it likes you to eat as little as possible, and be as low a weight as possible. I had very little leeway, but now I can see this was a good thing. This threat motivates me to maintain my weight, and I am now in my seventh year on the CTO – and I would not be where I am today without it. My CTO says that if I go below a certain weight, I will immediately be sent back to hospital. If you don’t, you can be recalled to hospital immediately for as long as the doctor deems necessary. There are conditions in the CTO that you must follow a set of rules. A CTO is a bit like being sectioned but allows you to live in the community.
After my year-long, third hospital admission, I was released under a CTO in July 2011. That is where the Community Treatment Order (CTO) came in. Courage means you don’t let fear stop you Yes, I wanted a life, but anorexia had such a grip of me that I knew if I was left to my own devices, the illness would have its way.Ĭourage doesn’t mean you don’t get afraid. Without the restrictions and rules of the hospital, I knew I would not be able to stop myself losing weight again. Anorexia still held a strong position in my life but I didn’t want it to take over again.īut I knew that once out in the real world, I wouldn’t be able to fight it. Having spent years of feeling utterly helpless and hopeless, and wanting to run from life, now I was beginning to feel hopeful, and wanted to live life. I wanted to be able to have a life and do ‘normal’ things – and this meant eating. It was terrifying, and there were times when I couldn’t do it, but I kept trying. So, slowly, we gradually started re-introducing liquids, and eventually, after nine months of not eating food, in March 2011 I started to eat again. These were things I had missed out on for years, and I was desperate to be able to do them. I wanted to sit round the table at home and eat dinner with my family. I wanted to have friends, and go out with them for meals. I wasn’t ready to give up anorexia completely, but I wanted to be able to manage it. So, instead of fighting for anorexia, I decided to fight for life. When I hit rock bottom that Christmas Day, I knew that something had to change. It was only during my third admission that I started to hate anorexia. All I wanted was anorexia, and I was determined that I would lose all the weight they made me gain, and more. I hated everything and everyone making me gain weight. Each time I pushed my body to the point where I couldn’t walk or talk, or barely even breathe.Īnd the admissions never got any easier. Between June 2008 and July 2011, I was in a revolving door – I went into hospital, was sectioned, tube-fed, forced to gain weight, but when released I instantly lost weight, and within four months was back at the brink of death.Īt each admission my liver was at the point of failure, my heart was minutes from packing in. I have had three admissions to hospitals for treatment of anorexia, and that Christmas was during the third. How had anorexia got me to this point? I was sectioned, being tube-fed, and unable to step into my own home.įor years anorexia had been my God – I had worshipped it and obeyed its every command. I was having panic attacks five times a day – and Christmas was no exception. Anorexia had destroyed every part of me, physically and mentally. I was allowed home for two hours on Christmas Day, my first time out of hospital in six months. While most people had spent the day with their families – eating, drinking, opening presents and playing games – I had been in hospital, where I had spent the past six months receiving treatment for anorexia nervosa. My mum and sister tried to get me inside, but I just froze. I was standing at my own front door, terrified, unable to move.
Rebecca was trapped in a cycle of despair as her eating disorder steadily destroyed her life – but eventually she found a way to break its hold
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